Animal Profile: Spaghetti

Age: 8

Likes: Paper towel rolls, red rubber balls, dog food, your food, cat poop, Luma’s poop

Dislikes: Male dogs

The veterinarian dressed her up.

The veterinarian dressed her up.

Spaghetti the dog is a pitbull/triceratops mix. She was born the runt to a runt, making her smaller than most pitbulls. What she lacks in size, she makes up for in tenaciousness. And derpitude.

I remember her first winter. She was just a baby puppy. I let her out in the back yard to do her business, and I was right there when she saw her first snowfall. She wrinkled her little head as she stared up to the sky and I thought What a magical moment.

Then she proceeded to bark at the snow.

Then spring came. She figured out what tulips and bees were by eating them. When the back yard was full of dandelions, she treated them like they were villainous, intrusive snow and barked at them. They must have sinned greatly because she ate each and every one of them.

And then she vomited up a horrible green and yellow loaf.

And then she vomited up a horrible green and yellow loaf.

She’s all grown up now, and so far she’s eaten two couches, a whole stack of printer paper, table legs, plenty of action figures, the cover of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, a whole roll of wrapping paper, drain scum, rocks, dice, the Kittens in a Blender card game, two Magic: the Gathering goblin decks, and she would have eaten the Christmas tree if I hadn’t gotten there in time to stop this devourer of worlds.

Not much has changed. Even as her muzzle turns gray, she still learns about her world by what will fit in her mouth. I took her for a walk the other day, and she found half a rotisserie chicken just laying in the road (because my neighborhood is bizarre). In a second there was nothing left to pry out of her mouth.

In a way, I’m proud of her. But not right now. I can hear her horking up in the other room so I have to go now.