Animal Profile: Nes

Age: 6

Likes: Little bugs, laps, cuddling with the dogs, fresh water, licking plastic bags, feet

Dislikes: Being picked on by Toki, having to hurry

Other Names: Big Chungus, Bubblegum Belly

She also has a god-tier Resting Bitch Face

She also has a god-tier Resting Bitch Face

Nes is the sister of Sega but is about twice her weight. She also has the softest fur, you guys. She’s very mellow and that makes her a prime target for Toki’s frequent bullying. I’m just glad Luma is quick to intervene and maintain the peace.

You don’t have to sit for long before she’s in your lap. She sometimes slips outside when I let the dogs out, but she just rubs on the doorway and then comes back in when I call the dogs back in. Nes is also the only animal I will tolerate having in the bedroom at night. All she wants to do is cuddle. She’s my sweet creature of chill times. And lovin’ on feets. All the feets.

Also, she’s got the most ridiculous pink belly and lips. Just thought you should know.

Animal Profile: Sega

Age: 6

Likes: Little bugs, shadows, chasing her tail, singing in the basement, Old Spice deodorant, houseplants

Dislikes: Being picked up, having flea drops administered

Other Names: Segata Sanshiro

She stayed like this for an hour, watching a little bug.

She stayed like this for an hour, watching a little bug.

Sega is one of the two kittens I got together. She’s got a wee little black spot on her nose which we affectionately call her ‘Kitler stache’. She’s the smallest of all the animals and she’s also the most elusive. If you can’t find her, she’s probably in the basement, ruling over her dark kingdom. You can summon her by standing at the top of the stairs and calling ‘MEOW MEOW, MEOW MEOW’. She’ll come to see what fool mortal dares to summon her.

And then she’ll love you, so don’t worry.

I must warn you before you come over to my house. If you’re wearing Old Spice deodorant, or use Old Spice bodywash, you can forget the whole ‘elusive’ thing. She’ll find you. She’ll find you and breathe in that heavy, intoxicating scent. She’ll also latch onto your arm and bury her face in your armpit, so be warned.

Sega is by far the weirdest of the animals and I love her for it.

Animal Profile: Toki

Age: 13?

Likes: Hands, belly rubs, praise and acknowledgement of his excellency, canned tuna, flowers

Dislikes: Flea drops, having to move

Powers: Liquid-mode

Alternate names: Lord Tokigawa of the Tokigawa Shogunate, Floppy Boi, Toki-Toki Panic, Toki-Toki Literature Club, That Guy

Behold his magnificence. Stroke his belly fur. it’s absolutely not a trap.

Behold his magnificence. Stroke his belly fur. it’s absolutely not a trap.

Toki is the oldest of the animals. He’s a tabby who went through a fat period shortly after he was neutered, but now he’s just kinda floppy. He gets along with most everybody. The only reason he’s not in your face right now is because he’s busy sleeping.

He’s also the worst jumper I have ever seen. That does not stop him from absolutely wiping out against a table or counter.

He gets along with the rest of the animals. While the dogs are careful with the kittens, they have no problem chasing him around and teasing him. The dogs wag their tails like it’s great fun, but you can tell that Toki is doing his best to inflict great harm upon them.

They’re pitbulls. They can take a bite to the ear.

He curls up with the kittens, but he has a tendency to bully Nes occasionally. He pins down her great fluffy bulk and bites her. Luckily, Luma the Sheriff is quick to break up their scuffles.

His favorite place is on my husband’s desk, right on top of his mouse hand. Because there is no reason he can’t move the cursor AND tend to the fur of Lord Tokigawa. Peon.

Animal Profile: Luma

Age: 2

Likes: Everyone, climbing, snuggling, sniffing cats, talking back

Dislikes: Not being in the front

Luma is an American Staffordshire Terrier and is the newest addition to the household. She weighs as much as Spaghetti, but she is lankier and has longer legs. She’s faster and is a professional-grade digger.

She’s an absolute sweetheart, but she has also taken on the role of sheriff of the house. Toki, the oldest floppy boy cat, likes to beat up the other two cats, so when Luma hears tussling and hissing she knows to spring into action and break up the fight. Discord weakens the pack, you guys.

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She and Spaghetti are two peas in a pod despite their age difference. Long story short, both of them broke out of the house while I was out of town. They stayed together during their adventure and proceeded to travel down busy streets. They made it all the way to the hospital where they chased nurses until someone called Animal Control.

When I got the call in Washington DC, I was furious but relieved. At least no one had gotten shot, stolen, or run over. Even the lady I spoke to said that these weren’t vicious dogs.

If she doesn’t like something, she’ll walk right up to you and let you know. First, she flaps her flappy face and then she’ll just grumble at you, making Wookiee noises until she forgets what she wanted in the first place.

Animal Profile: Spaghetti

Age: 8

Likes: Paper towel rolls, red rubber balls, dog food, your food, cat poop, Luma’s poop

Dislikes: Male dogs

The veterinarian dressed her up.

The veterinarian dressed her up.

Spaghetti the dog is a pitbull/triceratops mix. She was born the runt to a runt, making her smaller than most pitbulls. What she lacks in size, she makes up for in tenaciousness. And derpitude.

I remember her first winter. She was just a baby puppy. I let her out in the back yard to do her business, and I was right there when she saw her first snowfall. She wrinkled her little head as she stared up to the sky and I thought What a magical moment.

Then she proceeded to bark at the snow.

Then spring came. She figured out what tulips and bees were by eating them. When the back yard was full of dandelions, she treated them like they were villainous, intrusive snow and barked at them. They must have sinned greatly because she ate each and every one of them.

And then she vomited up a horrible green and yellow loaf.

And then she vomited up a horrible green and yellow loaf.

She’s all grown up now, and so far she’s eaten two couches, a whole stack of printer paper, table legs, plenty of action figures, the cover of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, a whole roll of wrapping paper, drain scum, rocks, dice, the Kittens in a Blender card game, two Magic: the Gathering goblin decks, and she would have eaten the Christmas tree if I hadn’t gotten there in time to stop this devourer of worlds.

Not much has changed. Even as her muzzle turns gray, she still learns about her world by what will fit in her mouth. I took her for a walk the other day, and she found half a rotisserie chicken just laying in the road (because my neighborhood is bizarre). In a second there was nothing left to pry out of her mouth.

In a way, I’m proud of her. But not right now. I can hear her horking up in the other room so I have to go now.